“Things I Wish I’d Said”

I wish that I had said “no” to my friend when she asked me if I was okay.

I wish that I had confidently shared my opinions about an art piece I really related to on a personal level.

I wish that I had said “thank you” to my loving grandma who stayed up all night to sew my ripped uniform skirt.

I wish that I had told my orthodontist that I wanted to change my mind on my rubber band color even if I had chosen already. Because I was too scared to speak up, I ended up having to show off a shining rainbow in my mouth for a whole month.

I wish that I had said “no more” to my joking friends, when their words really hurt me.

I wish that I had said “happy birthday” to my sister even if I was mad at her.

I wish that I could care less about other people’s opinions; enough to say “bye” to my dog before he left to another family. Instead, I managed to look unconcerned until my 13 year-old self hit the backseat of my SUV where I cried silently while my mom’s Korean gospel music was blasting through the car.

I wish that I was bold enough to have told my parents what I liked to do and what I didn’t like to do.

I wish that I had uncaringly yelled all the lyrics of a song I knew during my middle school dance. Instead, I was too wary and self-conscious.

I wish that I had said to the lady at the hair salon that I was indeed not graduating high school. I wish that I was self-assured and confident enough to say that no, I was actually graduating from middle school.

I wish, countless times, that I had said “happy birthday” to my dad before he went off to his hot and humid factory, where he worked for over 12 hours to make money to buy me even one more pair of shoes on his own birthday.

I wish that I had told the pretty woman working at Barnes and Nobles how nice her smile was.

I wish that I was brave enough to say “stop” to him who smokes. 

And lastly, I regret and regret again and again because I am not strong enough to let down my pride for one second. I desperately wish that I could let down my pride and comfortably say “I love you” to my deserving parents.

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2 thoughts on ““Things I Wish I’d Said”

  1. Anonymous says:

    I know as well as you do, that we can regret about and wish for many things without end. For a 15-year old girl like you, I can relate very much. I wish that I could let go of my past and not let it define me as “the most socially awkward person on earth”. ^^ Because whatever you feel like you’ve failed to do, just remember that failures are endless. And you’ll only find out sooner or later that you also haven’t changed. The fault lies in you, because I believe you struggle in trying to love and accept yourself. To the world, you may be someone; but to someone, you may be the world. Your family and friends love you, I’m sure they do. I’ve read your thought bubbles:) Keep fighting and keep struggling because someday you’ll find yourself looking back at your old self and ask, why was I always like that?
    ~(<.<~) you'll be alright

    Like

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